Movie Etiquette: Guidelines from a Lover of All Things Cinematic

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1. If you come late, don’t stand there, talking, for five minutes while you situate yourself. Some people actually *enjoy* the previews.

2. One can generally feel when the soda cup is soon to be emptied. Therefore, suckle a little less as to decrease the chances of slurping.

3. No one in the theatre came to hear you talk. Not even the person sitting nex to you. So don’t.

4. If you must bring in alcoholic beverages, please invest in a flask. It’s two hours; you don’t need an entire Texas fifth of Jack Daniel’s. & the people around you a) don’t need to smell it & b) don’t need to hear it crash when you drunkenly drop it on the floor during a crucial scene. —Not making this up; it has happened.—

5. Contrary to John Waters’ attempts in the past, they do not show films in Odorama. Keep the perfume/cologne to a minimum.

6. If you didn’t hear what they said the first time, rent the movie on DVD & choose the closed caption option. Don’t keep loudly asking your partner, “What’d they say?”

7. “R” rated movies are “R” rated for a reason. There is no reason why a baby, toddler, or small child needs to see a movie like “Saving Private Ryan” or “The Passion of the Christ” or “Basic Instinct.” You’ve got kids now; face it. Either pay your Aunt Margaret the twenty bucks to watch them or suck it up & go see “Finding Nemo.” Again.

8. Teenagers: I don’t mean to generalize here, but you’re not helping your cause by being a jackass. If you want to screw around, go stand against the 7-11. That’s what it’s there for.

9. If you are expecting a phone call that can’t wait for two whopping hours, then you shouldn’t be at a theatre. That goes for you, too, docs. You know when you’re on call. This includes vibrate & text messaging. (During an important scene in Lord of the Rings, this girl actually stood in the aisle & told her caller, “Dude, I’m at the movies.”) There’s a reason voicemail was invented.

10. My seat back is not an inverted trampoline. Quit pushing it. Yeah, I’ve got long legs, too, but I deal. You can, too.