Guardian's Alternate Oscar Ideas

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…in case the Oscars are canceled like the Golden Globes. Highlights:

2. The stand-in Oscars

A glittering ceremony staffed entirely with celebrity impersonators (presumably not SAG members, and therefore able to cross the picket line). Running up to the big night, the US networks could hold a series of American Idol-style talent shows in which the public vote for their favourite Keira Knightley or Tim Burton lookalike to fill the seats at the Kodak Theatre.

4. The Team America Oscars

Similar to the above, only using the marionettes Matt Stone and Trey Parker created for Team America: World Police. At least an hour could be devoted to recreating the sex scenes between Tony Leung and Wei Tang in Lust, Caution.

7. The MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Oscars

If NBC could persuade the WGA and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers to settle their dispute like men, they could stage a four-hour Celebrity Deathmatch in which each side’s negotiators take it in turns to duke it out in the ring. Might be pay-TV possibilities.

8. The Death Race 2000 Oscars

A bald announcement of the winners followed by a “celebrity manhunt” in which eight film crews (each headed by a former Oscar winner) are given four hours to flush as many victors as they can from the homes, parties and spas of Los Angeles. The hunt is screened live in a split-screen format, while the winner who is unlucky enough to be found first has their Oscar ripped from their hands and auctioned off for charity.

9. The silent Oscars

This would look exactly like the usual telecast (red carpet, celebrities, designer frocks), but not a single word would be spoken. The presenters who open the envelopes will make the announcement by sketching a hasty caricature of the winning nominee and then holding it up to the camera.