Blu-Ray Review: Deadly Dull ‘Red’ Wastes A-List Cast

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CHICAGO – After 2010, the Golden Globes should officially retire the category of “Best Musical or Comedy” for two reasons: 1. A staggeringly small percentage of American films annually fall under the category of “musical,” and 2. This year’s nominees were so embarrassingly awful that they instantly drained the category of any future credibility.

With the obvious exception of the family drama “The Kids Are All Right,” none of the nominated pictures were the least bit deserving of a Best Picture nod. Yet unlike “The Tourist,” “Burlesque” and (arguably) “Alice in Wonderland,” “Red” is the only nominee destined to spawn an ill-advised franchise. A sequel to “Red” would be wholly unnecessary, since the original film could easily function as its own sequel, remake and TV spin-off.

Blu-Ray Rating: 1.5/5.0

Why? Because this 111-minute exercise in excess is built around exactly one joke: old geezers love firing guns. This premise stopped being funny around the time of 1992’s notorious Sylvester Stallone/Estelle Getty collaboration, “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.” And yet “Red” seems content in hammering home the same tired punchline again and again. It’s even worse than “The Expendables” because audiences expect far more from this cast: Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Dame Helen Mirren—all of whom have considerably sharper acting chops than Dolph Lundgren. Even recent SAG honoree Ernest Borgnine, eternally remembered for his Oscar-winning work in 1955’s “Marty,” shows up to explain that the film’s title stands for “Retired and Extremely Dangerous.” The humor doesn’t get any cleverer than that.

Helen Mirren and John Malkovich star in Robert Schwentke’s Red.
Photo credit: Summit Entertainment

Based on the DC graphic novel by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner, the film stars Willis in the standard Willis role: a retired CIA agent thrust back into action after finding himself in the crosshairs of a mysterious assassin. Little by little, he reassembles his old gang of geriatric ass-kickers, while dragging along a reluctant love interest played by the woefully underutilized Mary-Louise Parker, whose trademark deadpan line delivery is the film’s sole saving grace. She’s certainly a lot more fun than Freeman (oozing schmaltz left over from “The Bucket List”), Malkovich (in twitchy self-parody mode) and Mirren (clearly enjoying her day off).

Watching Dame Mirren fire a machine gun is fun for a few seconds, but like everything else in this picture, it gets old real fast. She doesn’t appear until an hour into the picture, and ultimately amounts to little more than eye candy, though at age 65, that’s an achievement in and of itself.

Red was released on Blu-Ray and DVD on Jan. 25, 2011. Photo credit: Summit Entertainment

As the Russian after her heart, Brian Cox earns points for being the only member of the cast who refuses to coast on his familiar persona (probably because he doesn’t have one). The painfully banal script by “Whiteout” scribes Jon and Erich Hoeber is made all the worse by the lackluster direction from Robert Schwentke (“The Time Traveler’s Wife”). Aside from some elegant camerawork courtesy of Florian Ballhaus, there is nothing to recommend amidst the tiresome, self-satisfied dreck generating paychecks for lazy veteran actors. Like Botox, “Red” has a knack for making aging actors appear far older than they actually are.

“Red” is presented in 1080p High Definition (with a 2.40:1 aspect ratio), accompanied by English and Spanish audio tracks. Apart from nine minutes of forgettable deleted scenes, the disc’s supplemental footage is only available on a tedious picture-in-picture commentary, forcing moviegoers to sit through the film again in order to view cast and crew interviews, featurettes, trivia and animated documentary shorts on CIA operations. The interviews aren’t worth waiting for, since the cast members spend most of the time complimenting each other on their brilliance. Julian McMahon, who briefly appears as the vice president, admits that he said yes to the film before looking at the script, which almost certainly was the case with every actor on this production. There are also snippets of an audio commentary track from retired CIA field officer Robert Baer, which is available in its entirety on the disc.

 
Though Baer served as a consultant on “Red,” his commentary does nothing to enhance the film itself. It’s ridiculous to hear a seasoned professional attempt to connect his real-life experiences with the utterly contrived onscreen set-pieces. It would be more interesting to hear Baer’s take on “Syriana,” which was inspired by his books, “See No Evil” and “Sleeping With the Devil.” Yet his commentary is still diverting, particularly when he discusses how his disillusionment with the CIA inspired him to assist films that depict the organization’s inner corruption (even a picture as trivial as this one). He mentions how he ended his 21-year career in the CIA after a failed 1997 assassination attempt of Saddam Hussein. “When your employers want to put you in jail, it’s time to move on,” Baer sighs. He also says that people in his line of work generally enjoy a movie like this because it “never slows down,” since a career in the CIA mainly consists of “tedious routines.” Frankly, a film about tedious routines in the CIA sounds more thrilling than this depressingly dull dud.

By MATT FAGERHOLM Staff Writer HollywoodChicago.com matt@hollywoodchicago.com