Nothing New in ‘The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones’

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Rating: 2.5/5.0

CHICAGO – The last time I checked, I am not a swoony teenage girl, looking to be romanced by a hunky-but-shadowy demon hunter. Thus the margin for enjoying “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones” falls off like a leaf on an autumn tree. Even Kristen Stewart, I mean Lily Collins, can’t save it.

Every hack writer east and west of the Mississippi must pine for that young adult fantasy franchise – ala J.K. and Harry Potter – to eventually buy them that McMansion in the Sky. And author Cassandra Clare struck the gold formula (five books in the series) with “The Mortal Instruments.” Combining the moneymakers from Potter (human recruited as magic-maker) and “Twilight” (hunks as immortal man creatures), Clare’s first book – “City of Bones” – has been adapted for the screen. And boy, did it have lots of explaining to do. The “origin” movies are filled with who-is-this-what-now and this-power-goes-where and this-humanoid-is-good-or-evil speeches that suck the blood from the story like the vampire coven in “City of Bones.” Yep, there’s vampires. The biggest sin of this film, however, is that it has no originality. None. It’s merely a series of been-there-done-that, punctuated by the requisite hot gal and guy casting.

Clary (Lily Collins) is living large as a teenage dreamer in New York City. Her mother (Lena Headley) is a successful Brooklyn artist and widow dating Luke (Aidan Turner). Clary’s best friend is Simon (Robert Sheehan), who may have a bigger crush on Clary than he lets on. Clary starts to have visions of strange symbols, and her entrance into a popular NYC nightclub is about to get her in hot water.

Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower) and (Clary) Lily Collins in ‘The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones’ Photo credit: Sony Pictures Releasing

Clary is not exactly human, she comes from a line of Shadowhunters – which includes her mother – who are heroes, living on another plane of existence, hunting demons to protect the world. Her mother had a spell put on Clary to forget this, but it wears off in adolescence. In the nightclub, she begins to see other Shadowhunters, like Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), who eventually takes her to the “Institute” where she will learn of her fate. After her mother is attacked because of her visions, she also must seek revenge.

Yes, Jace and Clary become a coosome twosome, and the actors portraying them have the appropriate hotness and hunkyness. But they are also pretty good performers and you can’t blame them for the speeches they have to make to explain it all, or that they are in a “Twilight” rip-off. They’re joined at the Institute by the always intriguing Jared Harris (as Hodge), and fellow ‘hunters Alec (Kevin Zegers) and Isabelle (Jemina White). The twist is that Alec is gay, and loves Jace as well. Put that in your Pride Parade and dance with it.

The lack of originality and borrowing from other sources is epic, but it hasn’t seemed to slow down sales of the books this film is adapted from, which means its target audience can’t get enough – this audience does not care that the romance is Twilighty and the Institute is Hogwartian. But the film version suffers from tons of explaining to get the story set up for those unfamiliar with the books, and the dozens of characters that are several types of legendary creatures (vampires, werewolves, demons, witches). There has to be a “who cares!” tipping point to come.

As in Potter, the movie has recruited some recognized high-level actors to teach the hunks and hotties how to fight demons and others on the dark side. Veteran thespian CCH Pounder plays a funky witch, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers (TV’s “The Tudors”) gets to do villainy. All these folks, with Jared Harris thrown in, are obviously there to give the film a cache of “this is storytelling!” However, with their sloppy explanatory dialogue, they’re all in the same mundane boat.

Kevin Zegers as Alec in ‘The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones’ Photo credit: Sony Pictures Releasing

There is another unfortunate element – humans are nicknamed “mundanes’ in the series. Author Cassandra Clare no doubt high fived herself for the cleverness, not knowing that it would later describe the film version of her book. As Big Daddy said in ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’ – an example of a superior literary force – “There ain’t nothin’ more powerful than the odor of mendacity,” and this film does has more than a bit of a stench within that descriptive.

To reference another movie, “Young Frankenstein,” there is the famous, “Were-wolf? There…wolf” exchange. The punchline being, “I thought you wanted to [talk that way].” In “The Mortal Instruments,” it’s “There..’Twilight’” and “There, Harry Potter” and finally, “Where…is something new?” Walk this way, talk this way.

By PATRICK McDONALD Senior Staff Writer HollywoodChicago.com [email protected]