Blu-ray Review: ‘Conan the Barbarian’ Remake Fails in Every Way

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CHICAGO – There were a disturbing number of remakes in 2011 that failed to justify their existence, including “The Thing,” “Footloose,” and, perhaps worst of all, Marcus Nispel’s “Conan the Barbarian.” The man behind the equally worthless remakes of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th” has carved out his own niche of dubious filmmaking decisions that make the original look like a masterpiece in comparison. The first “Conan” worked almost entirely because of the star power brought to it by Ah-nuld. The words star power and Jason Momoa have never been used together in a sentence before now.

Blu-Ray Rating: 1.0/5.0

Momoa steps into the over-sized sandals of the title character, a Cimmerian warrior out for revenge against the people who murdered his father (Ron Perlman) and destroyed his village. In fact, we first meet Conan as a baby after he’s literally cut of his mother’s womb as she lays dying on the battlefield. This is a man born of war, destined for destruction. And such, the film that follows that gory opening scene, falls together as predictably as one might imagine it would. There’s just no personality here, nothing to distinguish the film not only from its source material but from countless works like it. The movie never develops anything interesting enough to answer the question of why it exists in the first place. It’s not horrendous, but mostly just because it’s never memorable enough to be that bad. It’s just dull, something Ah-nuld never was in his prime.

Conan the Barbarian
Photo credit: Lionsgate

Synopsis:
A quest that begins as a personal vendetta for the fierce Cimmerian warrior soon turns into an epic battle against hulking rivals, horrific monsters, and impossible odds, as Conan realizes he is the only hope of saving the great nations of Hyboria from an encroaching reign of supernatural evil.

Special Features:
o Feature-Length Audio Commentary with Director Marcus Nispel
o Feature-Length Audio Commentary with Stars Jason Momoa and Rose McGowan
o The Conan Legacy
o Robert E. Howard - The Man Who Would Be Conan
o Battle Royal - Engineering The Action
o Staging The Fights
o Digital Copy Of Feature Film

By BRIAN TALLERICO Content Director HollywoodChicago.com [email protected]