Film Feature: The 10 Worst Films of 2011

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CHICAGO – With 2012 staring us in the face like a bad movie concept (oops), it’s time to go over the worst films of 2011, if only to purge the refuse from our souls. If you think film critiquing is martinis with F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald – or the plot to “Midnight in Paris” – then strap in and read on.

If we were to add up the percentages of the 2011 film release year, the larger number of star ratings would fall in the middle to horrible category of the please-please-me range, but that is the nature of populist movie-making. The film business is about demographics and butts-in-the-seats, and what’s on screen – as long as it has a vampire in it – has become irrelevant. Can we all handle that truth? Thank goodness for awards season.

But I digress. Just missing the 10th spot was “Country Strong,” “Arthur,” “Hop,” “Your Highness,” “Take Me Home Tonight” and “The Smurfs.” I dodged bullets like “The Sitter” and “New Year’s Eve,” so feel free to add your own eye-gouging film threats…treats. And to make this assignment that much more palatable, I’m adding a “mitigating factor,” a single ray of light within each piece of cinematic darkness, to justify the waste of precious time.

Star10. “The Adventures of Tintin”

The Adventures of Tintin
The Adventures of Tintin
Photo credit: Paramount Pictures

Tintin represents the madness of the 3D “craze” (that is how the studios want to describe it), the experience of the headache inducing, roller coaster feeling of “why was this worth $5 extra dollars?” This film is lame, but it is made lamer by the 3D capitulation within the animation, which is less awe inducing than awful. Only the power of Steven Spielberg could get a 80-year-old French comic book hero green-lit into a multi-million dollar animation. The 11-year-old Steven must have been thrilled with the adventures, but this was long before more interesting media was available. The story was overlong, simplistic and quite frankly, boring. Plus it set up a dreary sequel. But hey, I did like “War Horse.”

MITIGATING FACTOR: Two of my favorite movie guys, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, got a nice hefty paycheck for adding their voices to the mélange (notice I used French to honor their ka-chinging).

Star9. “Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer”

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
Photo credit: Relativity Media

Not bummer? HA! Nice try, marketing department. This was supposedly set in modern times, but most of the references – and the station wagon the kids unsafely ride in – are straight out of the 1970s, when I presume author and screenwriter Megan McDonald (no relation) grew up. This film contained too many close-ups (for comfort) of Judy Moody (Jordana Beatty) and one of the oddest castings of the year with Heather Graham as Aunt Opal. It was odd because basically her character was exactly like her infamous Roller Girl from “Boogie Nights.” Awkward! During the not-bummer-summer, the cast is also looking for Bigfoot. How many people remember Bigfoot? Yeah, I thought so.

MITIGATING FACTOR: Janet Varney, as Judy’s Mom, was actually more alluring than Aunt Heather, in a suburban mom kind of way. Awkward!

Star8. “Tower Heist”

Tower Heist
Tower Heist
Photo credit: Universal Pictures

Lotsa stars, lotsa talented stars, all wasting their time (but fattening their bank accounts) in this dreadful and unimaginative heist movie. Five souls put their creative juices into this “story,” but it just ended up being the Ben Stiller is angry and Eddie Murphy is crooked-but-lovable (see 1980s) show. There was some odd choices for accents, Gabourey Sibide of “Precious” attempts a Jamaican tone (sorry, mon) and Stiller goes back to his New York roots coming in and out of a Bronx accent. Painful. Brett Ratner directed this limp noodle, which pulls all of his other lightweight films down with it. Alan Alda plays a mean old rich man again, which actually had me longing for his nice guy feminist persona from the 1970s, and that was just as irritating. Enjoy.

MITIGATING FACTOR: The New York City Psychological Society is licking their by-the-hour lips hoping that Matthew Broderick stops by, considering his hangdog performance in the movie.

Star7. “Something Borrowed”

Something Borrowed
Something Borrowed
Photo credit: Warner Bros. Pictures Pictures

Something borrowed, something blew (this movie). I’ve been saving that joke all year. This is the kind of book-to-movie that has the audacity to name one of the characters Darcy. May Jane Austen haunt those scribes in their sleep. This is a morally repugnant narrative, but it is treated by these yuppie-type (fake) New Yawkers as a tiptoe through the love garden. Colin Egglesfield (not English, believe it or not) is a engaged lawyer named Dex who falls for the “best friend” (Ginnifer Goodwin as Rachel). And who can blame him? Kate Hudson as fiancee “Darcy” (urg) is an unfunny party girl. Nothing worse than that. Can they find true love? I think there were about 15 books as sequels, so look out. I can’t wait for “Something like a Mid Life Crisis.” Relatable!

MITIGATING FACTOR: I interviewed Colin Egglesfield, an exceedingly nice and sincere guy, the morning I put out the review.

Star6. “The Big Year”

The Big Year
The Big Year
Photo credit: Fox 2000 Pictures

Which film wasted more talent? “Tower Heist” or “The Big Year?” Discuss. Not only does TBY have Jack Black, Owen Wilson and Steve Martin as the leads, but they add Oscar winners (Dianne Weist, Anjelica Huston) and TeeVee favorites (Jim Parsons, Joel McHale, Rashida Jones) to their Waste of Fame. This is about bird watching, but not in a British-Terry-Thomas farcical way, but serious “birding.” That’s right, it’s a straight-on film about bird watching with three comic players as the leads. Squawkward! It is the cinematic equivalent of the road to nowhere.

MITIGATING FACTOR: Jim Parsons birding blog name in the film is Ichabod “Crane.” I will give them that one.

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