Reality Show ‘13: Fear is Real’ is Scary Bad

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CHICAGO – Every time we think we that we may have hit the bottom of the barrel when it comes to reality show television, someone, usually at The CW, figures out a way to scrape just a little bit lower.

The crack creative souls at The CW have dug up “13: Fear is Real,” a ridiculous blend of “Saw” meets “Survivor” that could have had some B-movie thrill to it if it didn’t take itself so damn seriously. Have you ever wanted to watch people in a haunted house instead of going through one yourself? Do you stare at the screaming audience members more than the movie itself when you go to horror flicks? “13: Fear is Real” is the show for you. Everyone else might want to look elsewhere for their midseason entertainment. Like anywhere else.

13: Fear is Real debuts on The CW on January 7th, 2009 at 7pm CST.
Photo credit: Patrick Wymore/The CW

The set-up for “13” is simple. Thirteen contestants, most of whom are easily scared and pampered people, have to face their biggest fears by basically living through a horror movie. So, the group of beautiful victims are left in the middle of nowhere in a dark cabin with blood on the walls and horrible sleeping arrangements. Then the producers mess with them. It’s about that simple. It’s like watching a big brother mess with his little brother at sleeping camp.

The contestants are calmly putting on bug spray and preparing for bed when they hear a thunk on the wall outside. An axe has pinned a note to the wall that says “Answer the Phone”. They find a cell phone under the floor (ooh, scary) and “The Mastermind” tells them that they must face a group ritual that will play on their fears. One must stay in the creepy cabin alone while the others divide into pairs and head into the dark night.

13: Fear is Real debuts on The CW on January 7th, 2009 at 7pm CST. Photo credit: Patrick Wymore/The CW

What’s most striking about “13: Fear is Real” from the very beginning is that it’s not even remotely scary. That wouldn’t be a problem if the producers weren’t trying so hard to make it so. For example, after the axe hits the wall, the production team adds a racing heart to the soundtrack. The music is turned up to eleven like a “Saw” movie. The picture stock changes every once in a while.

Why did anyone think that these overused horror movies devices would work, especially on The CW, wedged between the latest ads for “Gossip Girl” and “90210”? Are people really going to stay on the edge of their seats through the latest Geico commercials?

The only way that “13” could have possibly worked was if it was treated purely like a “Survivor”-esque reality show. You’ll notice Mark Burnett doesn’t add sound effects or creepy music to “Survivor”. We don’t need to relate to the contestant’s plights. We just need to be able to follow what’s happening.

That’s another thing. It’s often impossible to tell exactly what’s going on in “13”. After the contestants head out into the night, they’re tied up and gagged, but we barely know who any of these people are, where they are, or exactly what’s happening. It’s literally impossible to care and, as far as I can tell, the first challenge basically involved people running around the dark trying to find their kidnapped partners. I’ve seen challenges on “The Mole” that were scarier.

And let’s not even get started on the vapid, personality-less, shockingly dull contestants, clearly the only people they could get together for a concept this misguided.

Far from scary, difficult to follow, poorly directed, and horrendously edited, “13: Fear is Real” is an early contender for the worst reality show of 2009. At least they got it out of their system early.

By BRIAN TALLERICO Content Director HollywoodChicago.com brian@hollywoodchicago.com